BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY
Do you sleep with every girl that you date?
That was the question recently posed to me by a good friend. I thought about it a moment and answered honestly – no.
The truth of the matter is, not only do I not sleep with every woman I go out on a date with, I don’t even expect to sleep with them at all. The majority of the times a good date has culminated in a sexual experience, it was totally unexpected and by chance. Granted it may have been something deep in the back of my mind that I secretly desired to happen, but I rarely purposely tried to make it happen. My experience has been that if you don’t look for it – it usually comes, but if you expect it – it won’t happen.
Anyway, the question made me think of a date I had one time, back when I was still living in Baltimore. Every Thursday after work, downtown Baltimore hosted its Jazzy Summer Nights concert series. For years the Jazzy Summer Nights concert was a great cultural event to see some of your favorite under-the-radar bands/artist play live in a cool and affordable (a nigga can’t beat free) outdoor venue. Unfortunately, I only went there to meet women. The entire area would be packed to the gills with attractive, professional single Black women.
One such Thursday, I was there enjoying the music and the various ethnic foods when I saw a face I hadn’t seen since I was a teenager. It was the face belonging to object of my desire when I was in high school. I’ll call her Art Class Girl – which was where I first encountered her. Back then she was a senior in high school when I was a junior. We actually shared two classes together – Art and Photography. But it was in that art class that I got to know her best.
I sat at a table with her and some other attractive upper classmen females. We used to joke a lot and trip out at that table on a daily basis. Art Class Girl was one of the Thomas sisters who attended our school. While her younger sister was definitely the more attractive of two, I secretly carried a torch for the elder Thomas girl. She had long hair, had a nice body (including a plump lil booty), dressed kinda fly, had a cute smile and wore these distinctive Schoolboy glasses. She was hella talented too. When it came to art this girl could do it all – draw, paint, sketch and sculpt. I really liked that about her.
After high school, she and another girl from our table graduated and went on to study art at Frostburg State University. Coincidently enough, that college was actually my first choice of colleges to attend after graduation. And it didn’t hurt matters at all that Art Class Girl was going there. I was in love with that school. Unfortunately, I had some issues with my S.A.T. scores and was unable to get into Frostburg, so I went with option two –Bowie State University and the rest was history.
When we were in high school I flirted with Art Class Girl and attempted to get at her, but she would either ignore my advances or treat me like a little brother. She was not tryna holla at the kid at all. After she went on to college, I lost track of her and never saw her again – until that Thursday night at the Jazzy Summer Nights concert. I had to go speak to her. I thought to myself there is no way in hell she could resist me now (unless she was gay or married) – I was more mature, more handsome and not to mention more seasoned and polished.
I approached her and spoke.
Serial Dater: Hey Art Class Girl how are you doing. Man I haven’t seen you since high school.
Art Class Girl: Serial Dater? Right? Hi, I haven’t seen you since we used to sit together in art class. How’ve you been?
Serial Dater: I’ve been good. Did the whole college thing, graduated and now I’m in the real world. And you?
Art Class Girl: I graduated from college and now I work for the City, but I also have my own business.
Serial Dater: Really. You still doing something art related. I know that was your major when you went to Frostburg.
Art Class Girl: Naw. I actually am a chef. I run my own bakery business. I started that after I got my masters. I’m about to start doing this full time.
Serial Dater: Wow. That’s good shit. Sounds like you’re really doing it.
Art Class Girl: I try {smiles}.
Serial Dater: You know what’s funny. I used to have a huge crush on you in high school. Yeah, I had a serious thing for you.
Art Class Girl: Really? I don’t remember you liking me. I really wish I would’ve known – you’re very handsome {both of us blushing now}.
We talked some more and then she had to leave because she was there with someone. Before leaving, we exchanged business cards and promised to keep in touch.
I should probably mention here that she didn’t look the same as she did in high school. But then again who does? It appeared that over the years she put on a lil poundage (way thicker than she was in high school, but not a sloppy fat mess either). She also had cut off all of her hair and wore her hair short and wavy. It had a sort of lesbian quality about it. Her face was a little rounder and she still wore similar styled eyeglasses. She also didn’t dress as fly as she used to. Her current style could best be described as “earthy” or dare I say it – Bohemian. She carried a backpack and wore those open toe “Jesus sandals.” Under normal circumstances, these types of women get absolutely no play on my team, but I really wanted to explore what I might’ve missed out on in high school, so I put aside my preferences and followed my heart.
I contacted her a few days later and asked if she wanted to get together. She seemed genuinely excited to hear from me. We made a date to go to the movies to see Gladiator (one of my top 10 favorite films). As a result of a failed marriage (seems that was going around, I had just ended my marriage too) she was living with her parents. So I went to pick her up from the same house she used to live in as a teenager. We had a good time and after the movie I went to drop her off back at her place. Outside her house we talked some more and she made me promise on the spot to participate in a second date. We awkwardly kissed goodbye and then I bounced.
Over the next couple of weeks we went out with each other off and on. She was very intelligent and over the course of our dating she introduced me to a number of things culturally as well as got me to try different ethnic foods. I liked that she was showing me different things outside the norm. That kept her in the mix with me. Every thing was going good between us. Except there was one thing wrong – I didn’t want to fuck her. I couldn’t quite put my finger on it, but she didn’t do it for me. Mentally she had me. Physically, she wasn't even close to having me. Hell, I had even masturbated before as a teenager thinking about this girl. So why didn’t I want to sex her ass now? She certainly was ready. During one of our conversations she had explained to me how she hadn’t had sex over the past year and how it had been eons since she dated.
Well one day she had come over to my house to go to the movies. I can’t remember what we saw, but after the movies we got some Chinese food and went back to my place to eat. After we ate and watched some TV cuddled up on the leather love seat, I was pretty much ready to retire and call it a night. She on the other hand had other ideas and wasn’t ready to leave. So I had to help move her along.
Serial Dater: Well Art Class Girl, as usual I had a good time and enjoyed your company, but I’m kinda tired. I think I’m going to bed.
Art Class Girl: Going to bed huh? Well would you like some company?
There it was. She put all her cards on the table and decided to finally close the deal. Whoa.
Serial Dater: Wow. {Trying to figure out what to say} While I really appreciate the offer, I’m gonna have to decline and take a rain check luv.
Art Class Girl: You sure you don’t want me to stay.
Serial Dater: Yeah, I’m sure. I’m really tired tonight. Maybe another time.
Art Class Girl: Ok.
Talk about an awkward scene. The girl practically threw herself at me and I turned her down flat. I felt weird and bad at the same time. We hugged and she left. True to my word, I went to bed. The next day, I thought about what transpired the night before. I couldn’t believe that I (the Serial Dater) turned down some free pussy. But that’s when I realized that if I turned it down then…I didn’t want it ever. The truth of the matter was that I wasn’t sexually attractive to her. For years, women fitting the butch dike, earthy/bohemian aesthetic didn’t do anything for me. Unfortunately that’s how I saw her.
I was too embarrassed to talk to her again after that night. I felt bad for her. It must be devastating to think yourself sexually appealing and then have a man turn down your advances. I felt weird and didn’t know what to say to her at all. So I started phasing her out. And eventually we stopped talking.
That was the question recently posed to me by a good friend. I thought about it a moment and answered honestly – no.
The truth of the matter is, not only do I not sleep with every woman I go out on a date with, I don’t even expect to sleep with them at all. The majority of the times a good date has culminated in a sexual experience, it was totally unexpected and by chance. Granted it may have been something deep in the back of my mind that I secretly desired to happen, but I rarely purposely tried to make it happen. My experience has been that if you don’t look for it – it usually comes, but if you expect it – it won’t happen.
Anyway, the question made me think of a date I had one time, back when I was still living in Baltimore. Every Thursday after work, downtown Baltimore hosted its Jazzy Summer Nights concert series. For years the Jazzy Summer Nights concert was a great cultural event to see some of your favorite under-the-radar bands/artist play live in a cool and affordable (a nigga can’t beat free) outdoor venue. Unfortunately, I only went there to meet women. The entire area would be packed to the gills with attractive, professional single Black women.
One such Thursday, I was there enjoying the music and the various ethnic foods when I saw a face I hadn’t seen since I was a teenager. It was the face belonging to object of my desire when I was in high school. I’ll call her Art Class Girl – which was where I first encountered her. Back then she was a senior in high school when I was a junior. We actually shared two classes together – Art and Photography. But it was in that art class that I got to know her best.
I sat at a table with her and some other attractive upper classmen females. We used to joke a lot and trip out at that table on a daily basis. Art Class Girl was one of the Thomas sisters who attended our school. While her younger sister was definitely the more attractive of two, I secretly carried a torch for the elder Thomas girl. She had long hair, had a nice body (including a plump lil booty), dressed kinda fly, had a cute smile and wore these distinctive Schoolboy glasses. She was hella talented too. When it came to art this girl could do it all – draw, paint, sketch and sculpt. I really liked that about her.
After high school, she and another girl from our table graduated and went on to study art at Frostburg State University. Coincidently enough, that college was actually my first choice of colleges to attend after graduation. And it didn’t hurt matters at all that Art Class Girl was going there. I was in love with that school. Unfortunately, I had some issues with my S.A.T. scores and was unable to get into Frostburg, so I went with option two –Bowie State University and the rest was history.
When we were in high school I flirted with Art Class Girl and attempted to get at her, but she would either ignore my advances or treat me like a little brother. She was not tryna holla at the kid at all. After she went on to college, I lost track of her and never saw her again – until that Thursday night at the Jazzy Summer Nights concert. I had to go speak to her. I thought to myself there is no way in hell she could resist me now (unless she was gay or married) – I was more mature, more handsome and not to mention more seasoned and polished.
I approached her and spoke.
Serial Dater: Hey Art Class Girl how are you doing. Man I haven’t seen you since high school.
Art Class Girl: Serial Dater? Right? Hi, I haven’t seen you since we used to sit together in art class. How’ve you been?
Serial Dater: I’ve been good. Did the whole college thing, graduated and now I’m in the real world. And you?
Art Class Girl: I graduated from college and now I work for the City, but I also have my own business.
Serial Dater: Really. You still doing something art related. I know that was your major when you went to Frostburg.
Art Class Girl: Naw. I actually am a chef. I run my own bakery business. I started that after I got my masters. I’m about to start doing this full time.
Serial Dater: Wow. That’s good shit. Sounds like you’re really doing it.
Art Class Girl: I try {smiles}.
Serial Dater: You know what’s funny. I used to have a huge crush on you in high school. Yeah, I had a serious thing for you.
Art Class Girl: Really? I don’t remember you liking me. I really wish I would’ve known – you’re very handsome {both of us blushing now}.
We talked some more and then she had to leave because she was there with someone. Before leaving, we exchanged business cards and promised to keep in touch.
I should probably mention here that she didn’t look the same as she did in high school. But then again who does? It appeared that over the years she put on a lil poundage (way thicker than she was in high school, but not a sloppy fat mess either). She also had cut off all of her hair and wore her hair short and wavy. It had a sort of lesbian quality about it. Her face was a little rounder and she still wore similar styled eyeglasses. She also didn’t dress as fly as she used to. Her current style could best be described as “earthy” or dare I say it – Bohemian. She carried a backpack and wore those open toe “Jesus sandals.” Under normal circumstances, these types of women get absolutely no play on my team, but I really wanted to explore what I might’ve missed out on in high school, so I put aside my preferences and followed my heart.
I contacted her a few days later and asked if she wanted to get together. She seemed genuinely excited to hear from me. We made a date to go to the movies to see Gladiator (one of my top 10 favorite films). As a result of a failed marriage (seems that was going around, I had just ended my marriage too) she was living with her parents. So I went to pick her up from the same house she used to live in as a teenager. We had a good time and after the movie I went to drop her off back at her place. Outside her house we talked some more and she made me promise on the spot to participate in a second date. We awkwardly kissed goodbye and then I bounced.
Over the next couple of weeks we went out with each other off and on. She was very intelligent and over the course of our dating she introduced me to a number of things culturally as well as got me to try different ethnic foods. I liked that she was showing me different things outside the norm. That kept her in the mix with me. Every thing was going good between us. Except there was one thing wrong – I didn’t want to fuck her. I couldn’t quite put my finger on it, but she didn’t do it for me. Mentally she had me. Physically, she wasn't even close to having me. Hell, I had even masturbated before as a teenager thinking about this girl. So why didn’t I want to sex her ass now? She certainly was ready. During one of our conversations she had explained to me how she hadn’t had sex over the past year and how it had been eons since she dated.
Well one day she had come over to my house to go to the movies. I can’t remember what we saw, but after the movies we got some Chinese food and went back to my place to eat. After we ate and watched some TV cuddled up on the leather love seat, I was pretty much ready to retire and call it a night. She on the other hand had other ideas and wasn’t ready to leave. So I had to help move her along.
Serial Dater: Well Art Class Girl, as usual I had a good time and enjoyed your company, but I’m kinda tired. I think I’m going to bed.
Art Class Girl: Going to bed huh? Well would you like some company?
There it was. She put all her cards on the table and decided to finally close the deal. Whoa.
Serial Dater: Wow. {Trying to figure out what to say} While I really appreciate the offer, I’m gonna have to decline and take a rain check luv.
Art Class Girl: You sure you don’t want me to stay.
Serial Dater: Yeah, I’m sure. I’m really tired tonight. Maybe another time.
Art Class Girl: Ok.
Talk about an awkward scene. The girl practically threw herself at me and I turned her down flat. I felt weird and bad at the same time. We hugged and she left. True to my word, I went to bed. The next day, I thought about what transpired the night before. I couldn’t believe that I (the Serial Dater) turned down some free pussy. But that’s when I realized that if I turned it down then…I didn’t want it ever. The truth of the matter was that I wasn’t sexually attractive to her. For years, women fitting the butch dike, earthy/bohemian aesthetic didn’t do anything for me. Unfortunately that’s how I saw her.
I was too embarrassed to talk to her again after that night. I felt bad for her. It must be devastating to think yourself sexually appealing and then have a man turn down your advances. I felt weird and didn’t know what to say to her at all. So I started phasing her out. And eventually we stopped talking.
posted by The_Practitioner | 7:41 PM
32 Comments:
Good thing that you didn't have sex with her. You would have really sent her off and made her feel bad although I think that you should have told her you weren't interested the next time you talked to her instead of just ignoring her. It makes women feel better to have "closure" and not have to wonder why someone isn't returning your calls.
Gotta call you out Luv,
See... this is why there are so many women out who are whining to their girlfriends, "But I thought he liked me and then he just stopped calling... and I just don't get it?"
When she asked for it you said: "While I really appreciate the offer, I’m gonna have to decline and take a rain check luv."
When the reality was that you never wanted it.. so you lied to save her feelings?
When I'm sure "phasing her out" hurt her feeling more.... or at least left her confused.
Peoples just need to be up front with how they feel from the get go - feel me Serial Dater.
The Mad Dater,
"Because there's a Bastard in all of us"
lol@open toe "Jesus Sandals"
I'm gonna have to agree with a poster for a change. Mad Dater, you got me cold. Yes I did want to spare her feelings and yes I should've manned up and told her what the deal is. She was a good person, but I just didn't want her that way. And yes SBW, women need closure. If I was broached with the same senario now, I could handle it a whole lot different. ;o)
I'm a fan of being up front about things. I do my best to be that way, and I appreciate when others are, also. However, I have to say that women need to be more independent and stop depending on a man to provide "closure". Easier said than done for some. But, if a brotha doesn't want to hit it for whatever reason, and he stops talking to us -- so what? Keep it movin', cuz there are plenty of other fellas out there. I hate when people piss and moan about the "whys" or "what ifs". Dwelling on something out of one's control is vain.
i agree with everyone else. being upfront with someone is always the best, closure or not.
Being upfront always is the best way to go, but I bet she was really confused when you told her you had had a crush on her, and then turned her down. Did you realize you weren't attracted to her anymore before or after you told her that?
I know you're just keepin' it real with your reporting, but this has to be your most inane post yet.
Hey check out the big brain on Johnnie. Inane, that's one of those $2 words.
Definitions:
1. silly: irritatingly silly or time-wasting
2. insubstantial: empty, insubstantial, or void
I'll be sure to add more fucking and mysogyny. lol
I agree with the previous to a certain extent, but then I could see where she would get confused since you were dating, spending time together and then took her home with you. No woman should cling or hold on where she's not wanted, but I also dont think a man should take a woman home at night after a date if he doesnt want to f*ck
:-o
Funny thing about this is that I just finished commenting on Zed's post about Mrs. Pac-Man...
Accountability and responsibility...you don't necessarily "owe" her anything other than "I'm done" (my line)...but you have to realize by speanding time with her that you were gonna have to be accountable for that time. Then responsible enough to tell her that ...you were done. If she ask questions...then answer them, if your uncomfortable...so be it...just be a man about it!
Don't hide baby...don't ever hide.
Serial Dater: Hmm...What goes around comes around.
I know exactly what you mean about someone having you mentally....it's hard to stop someone from feeling you when you aren't feeling them. If you had slept with her feelings and everything would have been mixed up and that's never a good thing. Maybe you should have talked to her afterwards cause she seems like she would have been a pretty cool friend to have
nothing at all inane about the post ... just shows a different side of the serial dater. I prefer the lack of mysogyny -- a $3 word.
I'm new to your blog, but wow what a great post.
I guess I'm old school and don't believe women should be throwing themselves at men anyway.
you sound like a grown ass man to me. She should have trusted that if you wanted to seal the deal you could have and would have...she could have saved her self some trouble there.
i don't think you were at all at fault. but that's just me being me!
Inane or not inane my stories do spark excellent debate. I actual like that - People are talking (about real relationship shit).
@conscious1 - I was at an outdoor Jazz concert and I reconnected with an old crush. I don't necessarily think it was for the purposes of sex, but merely nostalgia and pride at work. "Back then they didn't want, but now I'm hot chicks is all up on me." {word to Mike Jones}. ;o)
On other thing...
I'm about one cryptic anonymous posting from banning the whole lot of you. lol
Sho thy self dammit. ;o)
@consciuos1
#1 A man does not have to be an a*shole when he says that he is not interested. If a man or woman has any class they will tell you that they are not interested in you in such a way that you will still respect them for it afterwards.
#2 If someone is not interested they should be adult enough to say it as opposed to saying, "I think you are so cute and lets pick a better time to go out". If your intention is to not go out with someone then say that. Don't do the punk move and "phase them out". WTF is that?
#3 I have phased people out before and had it done to me and from experience I know that when I did it to others I was wasting my time and theirs and when others did it to me they were hurting my feelings alot more than they needed to.
Bottom line: Be a man or woman and be upfront about your feelings and stop playing games like its high school all over again.
P.S I still love your blog Serial and know that you wouldn't do the same thing over again if you had a chance. I don't want you to think I'm talking negatively about you.
Not calling anyone out or anything...
but the comments in this post tell alot about the state of relationships and humanity in this world.
I understand every point made, yet...it's hard for me to fathom that women would attack women on their emotional/need for closure "issues" and men would feel that "phasing out" is acceptable.
When it comes down to it, you treat people how you want to be treated IF YOUR heart were the one involved. If some could see past self and realize that there is another human being on the otherside of the playing field...would make for much better relations...whether personal/business/socially...PERIOD. Understand that blogging gives us some amount of anonymity and the ability to be someone and something that you may or may not be in person, yet you never know who may reading your words ...and wouldn't we all rather be a positive force in someones life than a negative...regardless of whether on the internet or in person?!?
........and yes, I have been at fault more times that I would like to count. I've been mean and hurtful when I didn't need to be (if there is ever a time) so I can relate to all things said.......
LOL...yea I know...BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH
i love jazzy summer nights! last year was my 1st time attending and I can't wait until this year's (but my motives for going are a little different than yours were)
These stories are a trip, but I wonder if they are true.
You did the right thing bruh. Never start what you can't finish.
I been down that road. It was the alcohol that made me do it and do it, and do it again. Time came when I had to tell her the truth I copped out and hit it again..lol
Eventually I stopped the madness and told her I didn't want to sleep with her anymore. She was pissed!!! but she got over it . We're still friends till this day.
The truth can set you free.
amen insaneblackwomen! & its not b/c ur 37, b/c im 23 and can relate. if a dude doesn't want to be w/ me, oh well! another one does..
I am in agreement about the state of today's relationships. I don't mean to date myself but "back in my day" a lady would never offer it up to a man. Okay this is a different time but if a woman puts it out there she has to be prepared for whatever may happen.
Phasing out? I don't get that. If you don't want to be bothered why waste time phasing them out? Let it be done already!
Time for the Serial Dater to speak (next story forthcoming).
First and foremost this is MY BLOG! If I want to talk about sticking a carrot up a bunny's ass via this forum I will do so. You have a choice to read about the bunny's anal violation or not. Negativity (percieved or otherwise) is my blog-given right.
Next issue: Please take your personal quests for retribution, love or redemption to your own blog sites (lol).
You people are sticklers for "terminology". I don't recall defining what "phasing out" is. It's a process people.
Lastly, if a man wants to "hit and quit it" guess what people - he will. Deal with it and role with the punches.
Stop giving me the blues because you see yourself as the woman lead in some of the stories and the pain is still fresh (lol). Especially the anonymous girl with the herpes (didn't think I'd call you out huh). Seek a therapist - it actually works.
Anonymous drifters - don't start making me name names in these stories. ;o)
Um, Serial, perhaps you should consider comment moderation. I swear, it's never a dull moment when I come over here lol.
oh well... SD is a grown man... he can do whatever. meanwhile women need to have their own self respect and decide what they want to do to themselves and what guys do to them.
Don't we have the fucking right to say "no"? Ain't this America? What's the problem? Why is everyone so uptight? Can KZ possibly ask another question? SD, did you steal Miss Piggy's lunch money or something? Is this thing on? Hello?
KZ
LOL@Anonymous w/herpes. D*mn, that aint right!
...I still think Knockout is Serial's alter-ego
I personally think Serial did the right thing. When a man turns down the sex and does not call you, we are not interested. He could have easily had sex with her, discovered he was not interested, and then not call her. That would have been grimey. But he did not do that. He took the high rode and declined the sex. Serial, I am with you 100%
PS: I also hate anonymous commentors too.
I'm not signing up, but I am "thickchickinga" on Yahoo 360. It amazes me the way some women (and a few men) still bring their heart, to a bootie call. Come on now, we are all GROWN. Take it for what it' worth.
If you feel each other afterwards, cool. But don't get all hung up on the Dic* or the Puddy Cat.
"She carried a backpack and wore those open toe “Jesus sandals.” " <-bahahahahhahah you described every chick at JSN's lol
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