HEAR NO EVIL, SPEAK NO EVIL, SEE NO EVIL

What are you nucking futz?



It's been said that women love a man in uniform. But do we, as men, feel the same about a woman in uniform? A naughty nurse's uniform - yes. A French maid uniform - yes. A hooker's uniform - hell yes! But what about a police uniform - what the blood clot?

When she came off the elevator I couldn't take my eyes off of those lips. They were thick and very juicy. And that uniform she wore did nothing to hide her feminine physique. She had the kinda curves men talk about in crowded barbershops on a Saturday afternoon. I lusted for her almost instantaneously. She didn't even know I existed.

She had a job to do and that job was…delivering mail? Why was this woman, obviously adorned in a police uniform delivering mail to our office? Under closer inspection I noticed that she didn't have a gun or a real badge. I was intrigued. I asked our secretary, “What was with the uniformed mail delivery girl?” The secretary informed me that the uniformed young lady worked for our agency's transit police department but she wasn't an officer, but rather their mail runner (hence the no gun and real badge).

I thought to myself, cop or no cop, she was definitely a cutie. And that body…there was no way I could front on that body. I saw the name on her ID badge - Lisa. I wrote it down on a piece of paper. I wanted to say something to her, but she was gone as quickly as she had come and she really looked as if she had a schedule to keep. So I did the next best thing, I looked her info up on the intranet. The next day I called down to the district to speak with her. She was summoned to the phone. Her voice was light and apprehensive.

Lisa (henceforth referred to as Officer Lips): Hi this is Lisa.

Serial Dater: Hi Officer Lips this is Serial Dater, yesterday you came to our building - the towers, to drop off a package on the 24th floor. I was the light skinned guy that greeted you when you got off of the elevator. Remember me?

Officer Lips: Yes, I guess. How can I help you?

Serial Dater: Well, I didn't get a chance to tell you while you were here, but I think you're attractive and I wanted to know if it were possible for us to get to know one another and maybe go out some time?

Officer Lips: Wow. This is definitely a surprise?

Serial Dater: Why do you say that?

Officer Lips: I've never had anybody do anything like this before. It just caught me off guard.

Serial Dater: So does this mean yes? Can I call you sometime?

Officer Lips: I guess so. I mean sure here's my number.


I was extremely pleased that she was with it. I didn't know what to expect and quite frankly, I was nervous about making the call. I was only recently out of my failed marriage of three years and didn't exactly have my swagger back yet. I didn't know how to go about getting back into the dating world. But I took a chance with Officer Lips. I figured what the hell. At a minimum I could make a new friend even if nothing romantical takes off.

Officer Lips was short, light skinned, cute and had a phat lil booty. She dressed pretty average and was rather on the quiet side. She wasn't a churchy girl, but was very reserved. At the time, I had no idea what to do with a woman like Officer Lips. I didn't know who she really was and I couldn't get a read on her. So I was gonna have to wing it.

It was the wintertime and our first encounter was over her crib. I came through on a Saturday night to shoot the shit and get to know her better. She shared a town house with her sister and her sister's son. Conveniently enough, she only lived about 10 minutes away from where I stayed. Over her house (advantage her) I was doing my “Serial Dater” thing. I was feeling her out throwing stuff at her to see where her head was at. Her whole aura screamed naiviness and to be honest I found her to be kinda odd. But not odd enough for me to not want to fuck her. ;o)

There indeed was something very strange and other worldly about this girl. I believe our next get together involved going out to dinner. She was still kinda shy and tad unnerved whenever she was around me. I just didn't get it. But it would seem that the more odd I found her, the more I wanted to get next too her weird ass.

After work one day I invited her over to my place for drinks or butt nekkid scrabble or something like that. Naw, I'm sure it was for a drink. However, she really wasn't a drinker. She was more or less - a one Cooler kinda brawd. I was gonna have to carry it for the both of us (lol). I grabbed a brew or two as we sat on my bed, talked and watched a lil bit of the tube. Some show was on TV and a sex scene came on. “Oh my gawd,” she exclaimed and covered her eyes with both hands. WTF!

Her aversion to looking at the actors on the screen simulate 'doing the grown-up' immediately grabbed my attention. I had to find out what gives.

Serial Dater: Uh…why are you covering eyes?

Officer Lips: Is it over yet?

Serial Dater: Is what over? The scene with the two people making out?

Officer Lips: Yes. I don't want to see that…it's nasty!


Again, WTF!!!!!


Serial Dater: Nasty? You've got to be shittin' me! Those people aren't actually doing it, they're actors, so sex isn't really taking place on screen. Wait a minute. Are you serious about this?

Officer Lips: I don't watch sex. It's nasty. Let me know when it's off the screen please.

Serial Dater: They are only kissing now and you can't see their bodies.

Officer Lips: Kissing is nasty too. It's sexual.

Serial Dater: You've got to be fucking kidding. There's nothing wrong with having sex and there's damn sure nothing wrong with kissing.

Officer Lips: Yes it is. Both are nasty. And when people kiss they exchange fluids. Ewwww.


Either this brawd was really pulling my leg or she was a true case study in conservatism. I couldn't believe what I was seeing let alone what I was hearing from her. Where the hell did this chick come from? Truly, these activities that I enjoy the most couldn't be banned from her acceptable list. Her reactions only made me want to learn more about her thought process and past.

Serial Dater: So let me get this straight…you cover your eyes whenever people on the screen are having sex or kissing. So I suppose you've never seen a porno before then?

Officer Lips: No, I've seen one of those before, but I didn't like it at all. Like I said sex is very nasty and dirty.

Now I was really intrigued.

Serial Dater: So you've seen a porno before. Have you had sex before? Or are you a virgin?

Officer Lips: No I'm not a virgin and yes I've had sex before. It's just not something I care to do. I happen to think its kinda gross.

Serial Dater: Where you abused as a child? (Nigga start getting' all Freud on that ass)

Officer Lips: No!! Why you say that…cause I don't like sex? Stop asking me all these questions. I'm not strange!


Oh yes she was. But I chilled with the inquisition for the moment anyway. However, her issues went deeper than even being against watching sex, she also wouldn't say a vulgar or improper thing out of her mouth nor would she even listen to something vulgar or sexual in content. Think the covering of the eyes was bad - she also covered her ears. And she was doing a lot of that in my whip {think Aikeneyle “Put It In Ya Mouth” on full blast}. But I'm a nice dude and very accommodating for a man that doesn't give a fuck, so I didn't expose her ears to a whole lot.

If you're reading this and thinking, this shit has got to be fake - it gets weirder. I was seeing her around the time I got all the free movie passes for complaining (see: Triple P Story) We are there watching the movie “The Brothers” with that dude Morris Chestnut. A sex scene comes on and she does the covering of the eyes thing in the movies too. Like a lil kid. I was sooooo embarrassed. I bet people probably thought this girl was some sort of a Tard or something. I should probably note that I never had the pleasure of placing my tongue into her mouth either…because it was nasty. We did old fashion lip-to-lip pucker kisses. What a gross waste of those juicy lips. And if kissing and sex was nasty, I suppose a blowjob would be horrendous.

Needless to say that Officer Lips didn't last long in my rotation. And it wasn't due to her being weird or not giving me the pussy. It was actually because I felt as though I treated and took her out too many times and she never reciprocated the gesture. I'm not a cheap date and I actually don't mind taking a deserving woman out on me, but she was ridiculous with it. I'd taken her loony ass to multiple dinners, movies and even a Jill Scott concert. What did I get from her silly ass - Dick! I got nothing, zilch, diddly, nadda (not even nadda 3) zippo - donut. So I cut her ass like Pony Boy did that dude in the Outsiders. Coach wants to see you - turn in your playbook. Cut.

(Caveat: About six months down the road, I see her in my development. At first I thought she was stalking me. But as it turns out she moved two buildings down from me. Then I remembered a convo we had one time. She was looking to move and was asking me a lot of questions about my development. And she kept talking about how she liked my apartment and how spacious it was. She then moved into the apartments. I spoke to her one day and even went to check out her crib. But I had had enough of her weird ass and didn't have an available spot on the team, so I never followed through on her invite to come over one night for dinner.)