THE FAMILY OUTING

Let me start by saying that kids are great. Kids make us feel young. Kids make us feel needed. Hell, even I was a kid once. Now back to the script.

I think I get into the most trouble on Saturday nights. There's something about a Saturday that just seems to scream, “Hey this a night to hook-up with someone of the opposite sex and have an adventure.” And to top it off you get a day to recoup from said adventure or feel guilty and repent in some house of worship.

One such Saturday in Detroit I was looking for adventure or least something to do - anything to do - that would get me out of the house. I had gone through my entire catalogue of phone numbers in my cell phone and couldn't come up with not a single worthwhile dating prospect. So I jumped online to see what was poppin' in the cyber world. Saturday night, sh!t, it was almost guaranteed that the cyber world would be a buzz with activity from the recluses, introverts, social outcast, inhibited and the dateless (hmmmm, and there I was amongst them).

As far as I was concerned, some lucky lady was going to get a free meal or drink that night. I hit up BP first to see what was poppin' on there (HappilySingle.com was my back up). After doing a quick search of the women in the 30-35 age range, I came across an interesting screen name. Note: I started with the 30-35 group because if anyone was going to be in the house on a Saturday night they were going to most definitely be in their thirties. Twenty somethings have way too many weekend options. ;o) So I sent this young lady a note - nothing particular just a note of interest. She responded fairly quickly and so began our touch-key tango. But before I could make my move, she beat me to it. She typed, “Do you play Spades?”

With that question alone, I believe a tear began to form in my right eye. I LOVE to play Spades. As a mater of fact in college I minored in it. Many a homework assignments were disregarded because I was in the student union running “Bostons” on people. I was used to playing Spades a lot when I was still living in Baltimore. All of my cousins and friends played. There was even a bar in my neighborhood that had “Spades Night” every Tuesday and it always drew a crowd. But every since I moved to Detroit, I haven't been able to play. Detroiters play Bid Wisk. And I ain't really feelin' the whole Bid Wisk thing. So when ole gurl asked me did I play Spades, I began to get a lil excited.

I responded back, “Hell yeah. You talking to the champ at it.” She asked, “Would you like to come over to my place in Novi and play Spades with me and my family? I need a partner.” I think I got Wood just reading the question. I responded, “You had me at 'Would you like to come over.'” The idea of actually playing a game of Spades was a deal closer. I was Novi, Michigan bound.

I got myself freshly dipped and threw on the velour Sean Jean sweat suit with the crispy white Air Forces, topped off with a couple of squirts of that Dolce & Gabbana for men. If I was going to work, I had to put on my uniform (lol). For the 15-minute trip, I made myself a “ta-go” glass of Absolute and cranberry and was off to suburbs.

I got there and was greeted by my host to be. I have to say this, either she is very confident, very stupid or just a good judge of people. Because here she was inviting this man from the Internet, she had never seen in person or met before, over to her actual home. We only spoke briefly on the phone and that was to get directions. Or maybe she was fairly confident that she could whip my azz if I acted up. Or maybe I shoulda actually been the one scared. I just couldn't call it, but it was Saturday night and Saturday night was meant for adventure.

I suppose some of that confidence she had in inviting me over stemmed from her occupation. She was a Sergeant CO at the prison (Yeah I know - Whoa!). The other part of the equation was that the two people we'd be playing cards with were her 18-year-old daughter and her soon to be son in-law.

When I saw her in person, I took a moment to assess the visuals. Pretty much resembling her photos, she was a “healthy” sistah but shapely. Her calves were very well defined. She was a chocolate shorty with shoulder length hair. Her height put her in perfect kissing range for a height challenged brotha such as myself (5'7”). So I followed her plump booty into the dining room where I met the rest of her brood - the daughter and fiancé I previously mentioned and her eight year old (at least I think she was eight or maybe 10). Even as I cracked open the new deck of cards, I still couldn't help think about how everyone in the house was so cool with the Internet stranger.

So we played several games and of course whatevah team I was on whupped azz. Afterwards, her oldest daughter went home with her fiancé and the little one (more on that “little” descriptive later) was tucked into bed. So we headed for the love seat to talk and become better acquainted. She cut off or dimmed all of the lights to set a mood I suppose. I didn't know whether to get nervous or geeked. It would be neither - I got tired. I was tired because we sat on that couch and talked (or at least she talked) for what seemed to be an eon. We covered every aspect of her life in one night and before long the sun was coming up.

Now don't get me wrong I can talk. And most definitely I can talk about myself (ask any chick I've dated more than once and they'll attest to that) but she dominated the convo like Shaq in the paint. So I was regulated to listening mostly. But that's all good too, because in listening - one learns. We ended that outing with a hug and a promise to see one another again.

The following weekend, I called Ms. Lock'em away and asked her if she would like to go to the movies with me. We had several conversations throughout that week and I was somewhat looking forward to seeing her again. I told her that I had plans for later that evening, but that I would like to spend my day with her if possible. She seemed genuinely enthused about us hooking up again and told me that she need to get herself together and do her daughters hair before she we could hook up. I was like cool, the movie starts at this time (since I was treating I got to pick the movie and of course it was going to be something Rated R with sex, violence and mayhem) and you can meet me over at my place since the movie theater was up the street. She was like I'll see you soon. So I went to get myself together to wait for her and I thought nothing of it.

Well hours had gone by and I hadn't heard from her. Now this should be duly noted, she lived only 15 minutes from me, but we were going on 3 hours passing and still no word. By that time, I was getting heated and decided to call her on her cell. She told me that she was en route and that there was some sort of traffic jam. I smelled bullsh!t with that story and thought it was rather inconsiderate that I couldn't even get a courtesy call. Finally she shows up and there was no way we were going to make the show in time. But being the trooper that I am, I began to self salvage the date in my head. I can make something out of this I thought to myself. Maybe we'll just go get something to eat. She called me to inform me that she was down in front of my apartment building (I lived in a high rise) and that I should come downstairs to meet her.

I put on my sneaks and went down to meet her at the front of my building. She was sitting in this massive truck (I believe it was an Excursion). I saw her dressed in business attire (blouse, slacks and heels) with her make up on and I was dressed in Tommy jean shorts, button up short sleeve Tommy Shirt and sneakers. Immediately there was an attire clash. But I kept my composure. I put on my game face despite the level of piss-tivity that was brewing inside me. I walked over to the passenger window to speak and that's when I saw HER. In the back seat sat her younger daughter. I stood dumbfounded and for the first time in my life I was actually speechless. What the f_ck part of the game was this!

There was no warning or prior mention of her daughter playing tag along but there she sat and I was caught completely off guard. Now if she had said, “me and my daughter are a package deal” I would've known what I was dealing with. But she said nothing during any part of the numerous conversations we had throughout the day or week about this being a family outing. You do not do this to me. I was so stunned I couldn't even get mad. And I like getting mad, so being unable to get mad made me angrier on the inside.

I didn't know how to act and what to say. I put myself on auto-drive and began spouting whatevah the PC thing to say was. She acted as though we had planned the date to go this way years ago. She said something to the effect like I think we can still make the movie get in the truck. Now mind you I was only coming downstairs to greet her, but I had totally forgotten that fact and just jumped in the ride as is. I wasn't even sure that I had my wallet. Not to be mistaken, I was cordial to the little girl. It wasn't her fault that her mom was rude and lacked the proper dating etiquette.

We got to the theater and like a zombie I walked with the two of them. I don't know why I didn't end the date while we were in front of my building. In retrospect, I honestly believe that if I had slept with her on that first night, it would've been a wrap. I woulda went straight azzhole in front of that building. But there is this ingrained micro-processing chip in my brain that doesn't allow me to screw up any potential nookie {more on this micro chip in a future story}. I think now is a perfect time to elaborate on her daughter.

As I stated previously my date was a healthy sistah. What I would later find out was that she was a former BBW. She lost tons to pass the physical and become a CO. I commend her on that. But what I can't / won't commend her on is the physical shape of her daughter. She may be the most innocent and sweetest little girl one could meet, but she was a butterball. That little girl was one cupcake away from exploding. One would have only but to look closely into her face and you could see the little girl she was supposed to be trapped inside. And I don't know about anyone else, but in my world chicks loose major cool points for taking control of their own physical health while turning a blind eye to their kids physical conditioning.

So we get inside and now I gotta see a movie that's f_ckin' kid friendly. I was heated. But as luck would have it, the only movie about to start was that new Exorcist prequel. So she signed off on her daughter being able to watch the movie and I purchased the tickets. Now this is were I get a little more steamed, because it was quite presumptuous of her to assume that I had the financial backing to support a family outing. What if I only had money just to cover her and me. Again, that is rude and a dating sin. To her credit she offered to buy the concessions. But I was so salty I turned it down. And I don't turn down no free sh!t; especially when a woman offers to buy it. I left the two of them and went into the theatre to get seats for the… three of us. Ten minutes into the movie into the theater comes the duo with mad snacks in tow. I couldn't believe it. I wasn't surprised they didn't need a wheel barrel to carry all that sh!t in. But it would explain a lot.

After the movie she dropped me off, though she admitted not wanting the date to end. I had a prior engagement and was sticking to it. Had she not pulled that stunt the way she did maybe I would've stayed. And what makes it all the worst was that she didn't once think maybe he ain't cool with this.

It just goes to show…even women in their thirties got a lot to learn about dating.