NEITHER RAIN, NOR SLEET, NOR SNOT…?
When it comes to dating I can be a real trooper. Whether it’s pretending to have a good time with the most hideous of women or going thru with a date and trying to overcome an ailment that would’ve put the average man on the sidelines. Case in point….
Back in my early days of internet dating I came across the profile of a young lady on BP that fits the mold of most of my online obsessions – she was 26, cute and thick as all get out. The only downside was that she was a GUD {pronounced jud} and I ain’t talkin’ those country sangin’ sisters either. I’m talking about GUD (Geographic UnDesirable). She lived in Hyattsville, Maryland, which was 15 minutes from Washington, DC but 45 minutes from Baltimore. As far as I was concerned, she might as well have lived in Michigan. It’s hard to believe now that I’ve traveled much farther all in the name of dating.
I believe we exchanged no more than two notes before she forwarded me a note containing her phone number and asking me to call. So I did – right there from my office at work. I didn’t even think to play it all cool (like I do now) and call her later from home. She answered the phone; her accent thick with that New York drawl. And I was right on the money because she was born and raised in the “big apple” and relocated to Maryland after college.
The good thing was she answered my call right away and was interested in getting to know me. The bad thing was that she was just involved in a bad car accident, so I figured the last thing she would want to do is hook up and go on a date. But as I normally am with women, I was wrong. I asked her if she wanted to get together and do something (hopefully something naughty) on Sunday. She was with it. And she even agreed to drive to my home in Baltimore. I immediately liked her attitude.
When I answered the door, I stood briefly in the doorway drinking in her curves and features. This Haitian sensation had big breasts, a big butt, juicy lips and was far cuter than her pictures let on. And I actually liked the pictures. She was wearing a skirt and nice shoes with a pretty decent heel and a low cut blouse with mad cleavage on display. I liked. ;o)
Since she drove there and it was my turf, I decided to do the driving on our date. We hopped into the Pathfinder (a.k.a. Mac Mobile). Special note: Mac Mobile has since been retired and replaced currently with The Green Machine, which will appear in future stories. Anyway, I took her to downtown Baltimore (and no we didn’t go to the damn comedy club). I decided to take her to Baltimore’s famed National Aquarium. But parking downtown was always a b!tch and I’m kinda too cheap to use a parking garage. So I drove around on a quest looking for an empty space and I found one – right across the street from the Police Headquarters at a parking meter (more on that later). As I parked the truck, it began to rain. And I ain’t talkin’ your run-of-the-mill April showers, I’m talkin’ Noah’s Ark sh!t – rain of biblical proportions.
And to add insult to injury, my nose began to run. You know what I’m talkin’ about, that slight stream of fluid that tries to creep out of your nostril while you’re tryna be cool. So I grab as much tissue as humanly possible from the glove box and begin to absorb the snot on the low while attempting not to draw attention from my date. I just couldn’t believe that I was suddenly coming down with something. Not now.
We had to share an umbrella because I only had one in the truck. It might’ve helped if I looked at the weather report that day. But weather reports are for p_ssies; I was going hard with it (lol). We got to the aquarium and it was all good. There was lots to see and she seemed to be enjoying herself. But me on the other hand, with every step I became sicker and sicker. Through each level of the aquarium I felt my immune system breaking down, but I kept my game face on and remained my charming self and my date was none the wiser. But when we reached the third level I had to dip into the men’s room to get myself right. By then I could barely walk and was snotting and sweating like I had SARS or sumpthin’. I had to stay in the bathroom until I got myself together and that included splashing my face with water. So after I got together, I came out and gave it my best.
After the aquarium we walked over to the Hard Rock Café to eat. Still she had no idea I was under the weather. I was that slick wit it. We ate and talked like everything was cool. Or at least she ate, I couldn’t taste a damn thing; including my beer. And nothing pisses me off more than wasting a good beer. Dammit. We left the Hard Rock Café and began to walk back to where my car was parked. I was still holding the snot in check and the rain had let up, so I thought the evening would get better. From about 100 feet away, that’s when I saw it. That unmistakable lil square white object tucked beneath the driver’s side windshield wiper. I was infuriated. There it was, a muthaf_ckin’ parking ticket and it was for $35 to boot. The damn parking garage was only $10. I couldn’t believe those baztards ticketed me. I thought the meters were free on Sundays. Apparently I was wrong.
Admission to Aquarium - $40, Meal at Hard Rock Café - $34, Parking ticket in front of police station - $35, Snot dripping on your shirt – Priceless
My date was very sympathetic to my ticket ordeal, because she was really having a good time. Getting that ticket broke my spirits completely and the SARS attacked my immune system like a fat girl in a donut trough. So I did my best to drive back to my crib as quickly as possible while avoiding getting yet another ticket. But still I kept up my outer appearance and kept the convo flowing. When we reached my spot, I practically fell out of the Mac Mobile. I was hoping that I could get away with just giving her a hug and calling it a night, but she was diggin’ my vibe and wanted to come in. Normally, this would be the point where “game time” was initiated and I’d be in full time “get some” mode. But sex was the last thing on my mind. That’s when I officially knew that I was sick.
We sat on my couch and I flicked on the TV. She started giving me that rhythm that said, “come on n!gga make that move.” That’s when I finally fessed up and told her that I was not only sick, but gravely sick. She was surprised that I hid it is so well. And then she began to feel extremely guilty about having me out in the rain on a date when I was sick as a dog. I told her not to worry and that I needed only to recoup and we could do it again. I hugged her goodbye, grabbed my blanket and crashed out on the couch. I was so sick I couldn’t move and ended up staying on the couch for two days straight.
I guess you could say I earned my dater’s Purple Heart Medal that day.
Back in my early days of internet dating I came across the profile of a young lady on BP that fits the mold of most of my online obsessions – she was 26, cute and thick as all get out. The only downside was that she was a GUD {pronounced jud} and I ain’t talkin’ those country sangin’ sisters either. I’m talking about GUD (Geographic UnDesirable). She lived in Hyattsville, Maryland, which was 15 minutes from Washington, DC but 45 minutes from Baltimore. As far as I was concerned, she might as well have lived in Michigan. It’s hard to believe now that I’ve traveled much farther all in the name of dating.
I believe we exchanged no more than two notes before she forwarded me a note containing her phone number and asking me to call. So I did – right there from my office at work. I didn’t even think to play it all cool (like I do now) and call her later from home. She answered the phone; her accent thick with that New York drawl. And I was right on the money because she was born and raised in the “big apple” and relocated to Maryland after college.
The good thing was she answered my call right away and was interested in getting to know me. The bad thing was that she was just involved in a bad car accident, so I figured the last thing she would want to do is hook up and go on a date. But as I normally am with women, I was wrong. I asked her if she wanted to get together and do something (hopefully something naughty) on Sunday. She was with it. And she even agreed to drive to my home in Baltimore. I immediately liked her attitude.
When I answered the door, I stood briefly in the doorway drinking in her curves and features. This Haitian sensation had big breasts, a big butt, juicy lips and was far cuter than her pictures let on. And I actually liked the pictures. She was wearing a skirt and nice shoes with a pretty decent heel and a low cut blouse with mad cleavage on display. I liked. ;o)
Since she drove there and it was my turf, I decided to do the driving on our date. We hopped into the Pathfinder (a.k.a. Mac Mobile). Special note: Mac Mobile has since been retired and replaced currently with The Green Machine, which will appear in future stories. Anyway, I took her to downtown Baltimore (and no we didn’t go to the damn comedy club). I decided to take her to Baltimore’s famed National Aquarium. But parking downtown was always a b!tch and I’m kinda too cheap to use a parking garage. So I drove around on a quest looking for an empty space and I found one – right across the street from the Police Headquarters at a parking meter (more on that later). As I parked the truck, it began to rain. And I ain’t talkin’ your run-of-the-mill April showers, I’m talkin’ Noah’s Ark sh!t – rain of biblical proportions.
And to add insult to injury, my nose began to run. You know what I’m talkin’ about, that slight stream of fluid that tries to creep out of your nostril while you’re tryna be cool. So I grab as much tissue as humanly possible from the glove box and begin to absorb the snot on the low while attempting not to draw attention from my date. I just couldn’t believe that I was suddenly coming down with something. Not now.
We had to share an umbrella because I only had one in the truck. It might’ve helped if I looked at the weather report that day. But weather reports are for p_ssies; I was going hard with it (lol). We got to the aquarium and it was all good. There was lots to see and she seemed to be enjoying herself. But me on the other hand, with every step I became sicker and sicker. Through each level of the aquarium I felt my immune system breaking down, but I kept my game face on and remained my charming self and my date was none the wiser. But when we reached the third level I had to dip into the men’s room to get myself right. By then I could barely walk and was snotting and sweating like I had SARS or sumpthin’. I had to stay in the bathroom until I got myself together and that included splashing my face with water. So after I got together, I came out and gave it my best.
After the aquarium we walked over to the Hard Rock Café to eat. Still she had no idea I was under the weather. I was that slick wit it. We ate and talked like everything was cool. Or at least she ate, I couldn’t taste a damn thing; including my beer. And nothing pisses me off more than wasting a good beer. Dammit. We left the Hard Rock Café and began to walk back to where my car was parked. I was still holding the snot in check and the rain had let up, so I thought the evening would get better. From about 100 feet away, that’s when I saw it. That unmistakable lil square white object tucked beneath the driver’s side windshield wiper. I was infuriated. There it was, a muthaf_ckin’ parking ticket and it was for $35 to boot. The damn parking garage was only $10. I couldn’t believe those baztards ticketed me. I thought the meters were free on Sundays. Apparently I was wrong.
Admission to Aquarium - $40, Meal at Hard Rock Café - $34, Parking ticket in front of police station - $35, Snot dripping on your shirt – Priceless
My date was very sympathetic to my ticket ordeal, because she was really having a good time. Getting that ticket broke my spirits completely and the SARS attacked my immune system like a fat girl in a donut trough. So I did my best to drive back to my crib as quickly as possible while avoiding getting yet another ticket. But still I kept up my outer appearance and kept the convo flowing. When we reached my spot, I practically fell out of the Mac Mobile. I was hoping that I could get away with just giving her a hug and calling it a night, but she was diggin’ my vibe and wanted to come in. Normally, this would be the point where “game time” was initiated and I’d be in full time “get some” mode. But sex was the last thing on my mind. That’s when I officially knew that I was sick.
We sat on my couch and I flicked on the TV. She started giving me that rhythm that said, “come on n!gga make that move.” That’s when I finally fessed up and told her that I was not only sick, but gravely sick. She was surprised that I hid it is so well. And then she began to feel extremely guilty about having me out in the rain on a date when I was sick as a dog. I told her not to worry and that I needed only to recoup and we could do it again. I hugged her goodbye, grabbed my blanket and crashed out on the couch. I was so sick I couldn’t move and ended up staying on the couch for two days straight.
I guess you could say I earned my dater’s Purple Heart Medal that day.
posted by The_Practitioner | 7:20 PM
3 Comments:
I agree with you 100 percent. If the story don't involve bussin' a nut I gets no love. :o(
C'mon county boy-- everyone knows the meters are in full effect all the time downtown. Funny story though, you are cracking me the eff up. I would rather a large animal stomp my nads than go on a BP date.
so.... she ddidn't see the snot on ya shirt?
Post a Comment
<< Home