THAT’S THE SOUND OF THE POLICE

I would’ve never considered myself to be an internet stalker…but to the casual observer my admiration for this one lil honey might’ve be construed as a little excessive. I call it persistence.

I came across her profile page on Black Planet (henceforth referred to as BP for the Slow or uninitiated). At that point she was the finest women I’d come across on an online site. To-date, she’s the finest sistah I ever met in person from an online site and I’ve met some cuties.

Thinkin’ I stood about as much of chance of meeting her as any other handsome guy, I sent her a note. And I continued to do so for the most part of a year (ya heard right – a year). Every time I saw this woman online, I sent her a note – she was that foinne. Sometimes she responded “hi” or “how are you” but normally nothing beyond that. Then one day when a n!gga was straight about to call it quits; assuming she played for the other team, I got a note from her that was a lil more engaging than the previous and very positive.

I convinced her to exchange phone numbers. But it would take me a few more weeks of phone tag and abbreviated phone convos before I could coerce her into a possible meeting. Normally she woulda got the scissors and her number would have been deleted into the abyss of cell phone nothingness, but as I said before ole gurl was hella sexy.

We decided to meet at Arundel Mills Mall in Maryland. We settled on going to the movies. Now normally a movie on the first date is no-no in my handbook. I like to meet in a well lit facility with an access to that drank (lol). But I rolled with the punches. I gotta say, when I saw Ms. Thing, I was literally drooling. She was short, golden bronze complexion, long curly hair, hour glass figure, size 8 with sexily haunting eyes. Looking at her in that tight dress and those heels, I wanted her more than I did before when I was still eye humpin’ her BP pictures.

Due to a mis-coordination or me being late (I’m inclined to go with that mis-coordination thing) we couldn’t make the movie in time. So I went into emergency plan B mode. I did not want to blow this opportunity. At the mall there was this place I like to refer to as the “adult chucky cheese” called Jillian’s. It’s very similar to Dave & Busters but way better. In addition to the countless games, Jillian’s had bars everywhere, several restaurants, lot’s of pool tables, a bowling alley and most fun of all a dance club in the back. It was a one-stop-shop for takin’ a b!tch out!

We got something to eat and headed to the club. The drinks were flowing and we actually danced with each other all night; rarely stopping to catch our breath. At the end of the night I walked her back to her car and said our good nights. Before rolling we “bust slob” for what seemed like an eternity. That night was well worth the year-long chase. It was indeed a good date.

ACT 2 (i.e. date #2)

Took me another week or so to get her to go back out with me again; though our phone convos lasted a bit longer on average. She lived outside of Washington, DC in Suitland, Maryland. I lived in Baltimore. So I asked her to come to my city since last time we met half-way at Arundel Mills. She agreed, and I decided to take her to my favorite comedy club in downtown Baltimore. I was very familiar with the place (since I’d been on bout a hunnert dates at the same spot). Every time I went there I had a good time and the laughs were non-stop. As scheduled we had a great time, so much so that I was getting that vibe from her. It was that vibe that said, “I’m soooooo going to f_ck you at the end of this date.” But I couldn’t be certain.

We walked casually back to our cars. This is going to be a strange side note, but as we strolled along, held hands and talked something forced us to stop dead in our tracks. The biggest nasty Baltimore city alley rat appeared on the sidewalk in front of us. The only thing I was thinking at the time was, “what if he comes for my neck” and “would it be ungentlemanly if I threw her in my path when that diseased vermin lunged at me.” Before we both found out, two white boys approached. The two looked like your typical burner white boys. Very Seattle grunge-esque. The two dudes also stopped and viewed the rat. So there the five of us stood like some bizarre old west stand-off. Me and my sexy date on one side, the two white boys on the other and the fat grotesque rat in the middle. Then it happened. One of the white boys (the crazier of the two) approached the rat, who by now was in that cornered survival mode, and stomped the absolute sh!t out of that rat. The rat had to be the size of a small dog, so it you can imagine the splat of guts and blood it produced. The three of us watched in horror and awe at what just happened. Then the two white boys burst into a post marijuana laugh. Now back to the script.

My date wanted very much for the date not to be over and suggested coming back to my place. That would’ve been great, but there was no “my place.” I was coming off a long spell of being laid-off and was forced to move back into my mother’s house. So that wasn’t an option. Most men wouldn’t have admit that to such an attractive woman, that they wanted to bone, but I felt compelled to do so. She was sympathetic and suggested that we go back to her place. Which would’ve been great if she had her own place. But she too was living with someone her cousin. She was 36 (but looked 26), was a mom of three kids, college educated and worked as an accountant for BET in Washington, DC. She informed me that she was coming off of a divorce and looking to buy a home or have one built – so I can respect that. But we would be in luck as her cousin and her kids were gone for the weekend so we belined for Suitland.

Back at the spot, she freshened up and got into something more comfy. I took my cue and kicked-off my shoes and got comfy in her bed. She returned looking like something out of BET afterdark. To say I was aroused would be an understatement – I was harder than an advanced college calculus course. She climbed into the bed and we went at it. Like two horny teenagers. It was off the chain. After I bust, I was all set to sleep, but she was having no parts of it. That’s when the indecent proposal was made. She said, “I want more. If I can keep getting it up and putting it down will you let me?” What was I suppose to say, “naw that orgasm sh!t is for lames.” I was like hell yeah. So that’s how it went down for what seemed to be all night. Every time it got put down, she kept getting it back up – with her hungry mouth. I was drained and exhausted. But I wouldn’t have traded it for a thing. How often does a man have the pleasure to have an oversexed attractive goddess that wants to inhale your d!ck like movie popcorn. Indeed it was a good date.

ACT 3 (i.e. date #3)

After that little romp I did everything I could not to sweat her. And it was hard. I called a few times and we chatted some, but I held back so as not to turn her off. To help me achieve this feat, I had to hookup with some chicks from my B-Team, just to distract me. But then it happened. I called her one weeknight when I was feeling rather amorous. I called her and told her that I was in DC and was going to be passing her house on my way home (really I was still in Baltimore, but that was a mere technicality). She said I could stop thru for a bit, but she was in the middle of doing her girls hair (she did hair on the side too). So I slide thru. Her girls at the house gave me the once over and that look of approval that said, “If you wasn’t doing it already, I’d be sucking his d!ck.”

Me and home gurl looked at each other and that was all that it took. She put her girl under the dryer and suggested that we take a ride in the car. When we got into my truck she said, “We need to take care of this, what do you suggest?” I asked her where the nearest park was and she told me. So we pulled into the park in what was the darkest area to be found. I put on a CD and we both climbed into the back seat. She said, “We’re gonna have to hurry up, because I can’t leave her under the dryer forever.” Quick is good, I thought. I can definitely do quick (lol). I dropped my shorts to my ankles, she got undressed and began speaking into the mic (mic check one-two, one-two). ;o) As the music played on, I grabbed the condom, put it on and she climbed on top of me and began to ride. "If you see The Green Machine rockin' don't comma knockin." Before she could get into full stride, that’s when I heard it – “Whoop Whoop, Whoop” accompanied by the blue and red lights.

We rushed to pull ourselves together and get our clothes on. The cop pulls in front of my ride and puts the biggest search light into my truck. It was like something from NASA, I couldn’t see a thing as the light burned through my retina. Through the loud speaker the officer asked us to produce photo IDs. Then the pig waddled over to my window and got our IDs and proceed to run both of our information including my tags. My date was terrified and I was cracking up. I couldn’t believe this was happening. The cop returned, gave us back our stuff and said, “The park is closed; the two of you need to take the party inside. Have a good night.” We pulled out and headed back toward her house. There was still some unfinished business. We got to her neighborhood and drove to end of her dead-end street. We parked in a little alcove on the side of neighbor’s house. This time no music, engine off, and right to business. We had that truck bouncin’ like a low-rider on a trampoline. We got ourselves back together and I dropped her back off at the house.

Unfortunately, there was never an ACT 4. She became engulfed in her job, getting her masters and buying a home. So I relented on the chase. But boy did I enjoy the first three acts. ;o)